Full Disclosure

I originally starting doing TRIs to give myself a goal that would keep me working out consistently. And the more expensive the race, the better, because I hate to lose money, and that would just add to my motivation. But honestly, the most important reason I wanted to do this was to lose weight....to release weight, to stop weighing myself down (as I heard on the biggest loser tonight). I am a health coach. I know what to do to lose weight...much more than I would ever need to know. I need to move more and eat less. I need to eat whole organic foods. I need to avoid diet sodas (since I have reactions to artificial sweeteners). I need to find space and time to meditate and be with myself. And I need to forgive myself for not being perfect.

But it is so much easier to keep eating and bury the pain down under the food. And to tell myself that I am doing the right things, and I just cant lose the weight. And to focus on everything else but my real issues.

I am AFRAID. AFRAID of my power, my brilliance, attention, succeeding, failing, feeling limited, looking amazing, losing my husband, or even worse, leaving him.

I am SAD. Sad that I was not able to breastfeed my son after everything I tried with my diet failed to stop his eczema and his allergies. Sad that I feel like I failed him. Sad that I feel like I failed myself. Sad that I don't put him to bed anymore because it reminds me of what I am not able to do. Sad that I will not be having more children (due to choice not biology). Sad that I felt so beautiful in my big, pregnant body, and so ugly in the same body when I am not pregnant.

All of this came out after my massage today. I asked my therapist who has experience with Reiki and Chakra balancing to get my body ready to release the weight I have been holding onto. And he asked about my breastfeeding due to something he was sensing during the massage. After hearing the story, he told me that I need to accept that I gave my best to my son, and continue to do so. That Kieran loves me no matter what, and I give him everything he needs. That I need to forgive myself, and allow myself to heal. And I cried. And I am still crying. I need to release this, I need to be honest about it, and I need to ask for love and support to get me past this and to a place where I love and accept myself unconditionally no matter if I am 185 pounds or more or less.

And then maybe I won't have injuries throughout the season...because I now believe they were due to energetics more than physical issues...and then I can work to release my fears and the weight...and then subsequently be a better Triathlete. I want to set a good example for my children, I want to be the best and the strongest I can be, and I want to feel peace in my heart.

So here I go.