R2P2D15- VLCD D13

R2P2 Highest Loading Weight 165.3
Daily Loss .2
Current Weight 152.3
R2P2 Loss to Date 13
LIW R1P2 159.4
Under LIW 7.1
Total Loss to date from R1 Start: 36.7

Food Tracker: Fried Onions, Chicken Breast x2, Brussel Sprouts, 5 Melba Rounds, Strawberries with Walden Farms Chocolate Syrup, 1/2 Turkey Chorizo sausage link, 4 Mac Nut Kernels (606 cals total)

Exercise: None

I was so hungry and out of sorts for most of the day yesterday.  I think stress had a little to do with it, but I think TOM was also a big culprit.  My body was craving fat and protein, so I let it have what it needed (1/2 sausage in addition to my normal protein rations (no sugar, though it was turkey), few nuts, skipped a fruit), and did ok.  Listening to my body is a big change from R1, and its nice to see that what my intuition is on R2 this time is somewhat reflected in the scale.  I wish it would have been more as I only in my second week in P2, and we all know the losses start to drop after that, but Ill just keep listening and know that whatever my body wants for me will happen.  I feel good with my progress to date, confident, and hopeful, even though my reptilian brain is screaming for more variety in my food choices...and causing my wild child to freak a little.  There, there, my pets...

There are still tons of papers and crap all over my desk due to my spring cleaning, and I feel like it will never end ( i know, Martha Beck, black and white thinking, permanent helpless crap).  At this stage in the game, where I need to make a million annoying decisions-should I keep this, file this, will I need this again, where does this go, does so and so want this, I get frustrated and resistant...and this is when it gets tricky...because if I dont keep pushing, it will stay like this for the next six months and then Ill get even more crazy.  And if I keep everything I have because I might need it in six months, or a client might want to review it, or my kids might want to play with it, then again, Im in the same sinking boat.  Suck it up and chuck it, Kelly!  You're almost there. 

Anyone want to come over and take away everything I still have left so I dont have to go through this?  There's some pretty good stuff...freecycle.org, here I come.

And Happy Weekend to all you beautiful ladies out there.  Any big plans?

R2P2D14-VLCD D12

R2P2 Highest Loading Weight 165.3
Daily Gain .2
Current Weight 152.5
R2P2 Loss to Date 12.8
LIW R1P2 159.4
Under LIW 6.9
Total Loss to date from R1 Start: 36.5

Food Tracker: Brussel Sprouts, Ribeye Steak with Walden Farms BBQ sauce, Orange, P2 Chicken Salad, Melba Toast, Strawberries with Walden Farms Chocolate Syrup

Exercise: 40 min walk treadmill 3.7 ml.hr, 20 minutes spin bike, low intensity

Crazy busy at work this morning.  I was assigned a listing to review with 752 data points (first time I reviewed it it took me a week), but I was able to finish it by noon thanks to good notes from the last time I did it, and my persistance with my boss, bugging her about what really didnt need to be done again.  Measured myself at lunch time, and though I think I look skinnier, my measurments arent that much different from last week. 

Tonight Im supposed to go to Masters Swim, but I think Im going to walk about work this afternoon instead.  Its gorgeous outside, and I need me some vitamin D.  I also need a break from the cleaning...or should I say the state of upheaval that leaves me reeling and feeling like I will never get out from all the crap I have and cant figure out what to do with.  Im not really a hoarder, I swear...

Just pigged out at lunchtime, so many delicious strawberries and chocolate sauce (I hate the Walden Farms chocolate dip, but love their sauce)...and I actually got hungry really early this morning, so I ate my chicken cold at my desk around 10am.  Feeling stuffed now, and need to get ready for a 2pm meeting, so off I go. 

Have wonderful days, my missees...

And let me know if you want me to order you anything special at the adult party I will be attending this Saturday night in honor of my book club gals Lindsay and Anne's birthdays...it should be a riot!

R2P2D13-VLCD D11

R2P2 Highest Loading Weight 165.3
Daily Loss 1.4
Current Weight 152.3
R2P2 Loss to Date 13
LIW R1P2 159.4
Under LIW 7.1
Total Loss from R1 Start: 36.7

Food Tracker: Brussel Sprouts, Ribeye Steak with Walden Farms BBQ sauce, Fiji Apple, P2 Chicken Salad, Melba Toast, Strawberries with Walden Farms Chocolate Syrup

Exercise: 15 minutes swimming (swim lesson)-learned that I need to use my whole hand for traction in the water, and make sure I push it down far enough to make a difference.

Amazed to find a 1.4 drop on the scale from yesterday, especially since TOM arrived, and he tends to bring out the big guns on D2, and I tend to gain.  And I looked in the mirror this morning, and was also amazed to see my abs, and barely any bloating.  Yippee!  And I look really good in the top I got last weekend for .50 at a garage sale, size M!!!!!  All around, Im feeling pretty good today...

Sorry I haven't been commenting on any of your blogs, my dears, (my goal is to catch up on all of you today), but Ive been furiously spring cleaning...so far Ive done the butlers pantry, dining room (not much to do there), have almost finished my office and the kitchen, and plan to tackle my bedroom and closet tomorrow.  Its exhausting, but really leaves me with a sense of accomplishment and ease to not see all the clutter (and to rediscover all the great things I own)! 

Today my workout will consist of a brisk walk on the treadmill (since its supposed to be only 50 degrees with 30ml an hour winds), and chasing my boys around the house after work.  Im really looking forward to that...

and remember, that offer for Reiki still stands.  Love and healing energy to all of you out there,

R2P2D12-VLCD D10

R2P2 Highest Loading Weight 165.3
Daily Loss .8
Current Weight 153.7
R2P2 Loss to Date 11.6
LIW R1P2 159.4
Under LIW 5.7
Food Tracker: Brussel Sprouts, Red Delicious Apple, Chicken Breast with Walden Farms BBQ sauce, P2 chili, Melba Toast, Strawberries with Walden Farms Chocolate Syrup
Exercise: 1150m swim (30 minutes)

Wow, I just realized that I am about a lb short of being at the same weight I was when I got married almost 8 yrs ago.  So cool.  Yesterday, again, I went with my intuition about what I should be eating, so I had more brussel sprouts, and I even tried my Waldens Farms favorites that I normally save until P3, just for a little variety.  I also did Masters swim last night, though I only stayed for 2/3 of it, since my lower back has been a little sore, and I didnt want to make it worse.  Not sure if its sore because the fat is being redistributed over that area?  I havent done yoga or swam for over a week before last night, so that wasnt it...

Right now, I am feeling a tingling sensation in my middle back, right around where I had it yesterday, when I felt like someone was doing Reiki on me.  Its like my angels are looking out for me, reminding me to be centered and peaceful throughout my day (and I say that since I talked to my Reiki Master after it happened for the first time to see if she was working on me, and she said no, its probably either remnants from the training or my angels-I love the idea of the latter).  Ahh, thats nice.

Today is the second health coaching session I have with my IIN coach (yes, we coaches work with coaches too...keeps me on my game!).  Im also planning on a nice walk after the rain goes away, completing my 1st test for school (auditing the distance learning program at my old nutrition school), and doing all my day job work, cleaning my office and my closet, and going to my swim lesson tonight (havent seen my coach since Oct!).  Busy day, and Im so looking forward to it (and I am ok with it as well, if some of these things take me all week).  That training this weekend really got me to a subconscious place of focus and commitment to do those things that are the most important for my sanity (I feel so much better when the house is clean and uncluttered), and Im taking full advantage.

Re the Martha Beck 4 Day Wins, I still plan to do them, but for now, Im more focused on spring cleaning and renewal.  Im going to start back up as soon as I receive a copy in the mail, as the library book is due tomorrow.  So for those of you following along, make sure to repeat your current 4 day wins so they stack up and become part of who you are.  Though I am still on P2, I am asking myself if I am hungry and only eating when I am, I take full responsibility for what I eat, and can see the reason for it, and I work on my PDHR thinking when it arises. 

Any of you have sanity building plans for this week?

R2P2D11-VLCD D9

R2P2 Highest Loading Weight 165.3

Daily Loss 1.1
Current Weight 154.5
R2P2 Loss to Date 10.8
LIW R1P2 159.4
Under LIW 4.9
Food Tracker: Ribeye Steak, Brussel Sprouts, Red Delicious Apple, P2 Onion Rings, Chicken with Romaine and Braggs Aminos, Melba Toast, Little Celery
Exercise: None all weekend

Sat weight 155.4
Sunday weight 155.6
Yesterday afternoon, I felt at such peace. I was cooking all my veggies, and eating what I wanted without worrying. I made myself some brussel sprouts to see if I could handle them in P2, and from my loss, it looks like I am ok with them, though after I eat them again today, I guess we'll see. I also made P2 onion rings, which are just onions coated in spices and crushed melba toasts and baked in the oven, and ate them right after the brussels, and it was still ok...mixing veggies is a no-no, I know, but somehow I knew it would be ok. And I skipped a fruit just in case. I followed my intuition yesterday and wasn't as concerned with the protocol no-nos, and its the first time I really listened to my body during P2.
This weekend I completed my Reiki II training, and it was so powerful and uplifting. I really addressed a lot of my issues on a subconscious level, and got a littler clearer about my path. I am here to help others with their health, whether it be through nutrition and life coaching, or performing Reiki (in person or via distance) on them. And in regards to that, I would like to offer all my bloggy peeps a free distance Reiki session...I would just need your real name if you are ok with disclosing (only to be used by me, and will not be shared), and your location (city and state are fine). You can email me the information or leave a comment here if you feel comfortable. Think about Reiki as a massage for your soul...or in another way, I am like a cell phone that connects you with the universal chi or life energy. You need not do anything, call me or make or appt or any of that, I will just send you the healing energy sometime this upcoming weekend.

R2P2D8-VLCD D6

R2P2 Highest Loading Weight 165.3
Daily Loss 1.1
Current Weight 156.1
R2P2 Loss to Date 9.2
LIW R1P2 159.4
Under LIW 3.3
Food Tracker: P2 Chili, 1/2 Apple, 3 strawberries, Melba Toasts, Orange, Chicken with Romaine, Braggs Aminos
Exercise: 22 minute walk on treadmill 3.9ml/hr pace, 5 minutes on mini trampoline, 20 minutes on stationary bike 16ml.hr

Gosh, it has been a rough few days with my work.  I got yelled at twice yesterday by my project manager (not direct line) for something that she knew about and didn't do anything about, and that I had been following up on ever since I found out about it, and I've spent the last 12 hours of worktime trying to document everything to cover myself, speaking with my colleagues in Italy, and hating my worklife.  She is really over the top, I can't believe a project manager can get away with treating people like that.  Well, actually, I can.  And I normally would call her on that behavior, but for now, Im happy to have a paycheck in this economy, and I really want to redo my bathroom this summer, so I don't want to rock the boat.  Ugh! 

But the good news: I did not cheat, I did not drink, I did not self medicate with food as a result of this stress.  I so wanted some wine to relax yesterday afternoon, and even this morning!, but I just got myself a nice safe P2 cup of tea with my chocolate stevia, took a deep breath, and reminded myself that this will pass.

Yesterday after all the hubbabaloo (that just rolls off my fingers, fun to say in my head), I tried to go for a walk outside to get some sunshine and sanity, and it started to pour within two minutes.  So I picked my wet butt up and hightailed it to the treadmill in my basement.  Another good thing.  And tomorrow is Saturday, thank god!  It seems like I am doing ok with working out lightly while doing this round, which is great!

Wow, just typing this, I am so relieved that the work thing is over (and that I didnt tell off my PM like I wanted to).  Soon Italy (all the issues dealt with them) will be gone for the day, and anything outstanding (though I think I covered everything) will need to wait til Monday.  And so for lunch today, Im going to walk outside, enjoy the sunshine and some good tunes, even though I need to be back for a 1 pm meeting.

On another note, last night at my Reiki share, I had a nice time, released some stress, and though I didnt get out of there in time to go swimming last night, I was able to come home and enjoy Private Practice on my DVR.   So it was a good night.

Day 4 of 3rd 4 day win: PHDR
I so felt attack/lack yesterday....but was not tempted to run to the kitchen.  I felt like I was in this dead end project, where I am not respected, have no room for advancement, and while that is true for now, it will not always be the case.  I am grateful that the project I am on now allows me to work at home 3x's a week, and do not want to give that up at this point despite the crap I need to deal with.  I have other outlets that make me happy, support my health and spiritual being, and so I will let this be what it is right now.  And soon, I will start coaching clients again on the phone in the evenings, which I love to do, and which makes me feel like I have a purpose in  life.  Adding to that will be my Reiki practice (starting this weekend, Ill be doing distance healing) which will allow me to contribute to others' healing in addition to my own. 

R2P2D7-VLCD D5

R2P2 Highest Loading Weight 165.3
Daily Loss 1.3
Current Weight 157.2
R2P2 Loss to Date 8.1
Food Tracker: P2 Chili, Apple, Melba Toasts, Orange, Chicken with Romaine, Braggs Aminos
Exercise: 2 mile walk at 15min/ml pace

1.3 loss again yesterday...liking those numbers.  Definitely want to keep that up.  I realized when I was measuring myself this morning that I could picture myself at goal (130 or below) but I never really pictured myself in the in between stages under 150.  How is it that I can see myself acheiving my goal, but not making it to the 140s? So Im getting myself excited about that...I definitely want to see them by next week!!!!!

Here are my measurements for today...not too different from last week:

D4 of 3rd 4 Day Win: PHDR
Yesterday was a stressful day at work, but I was proud of myself for not eating just to stuff my feelings.  I felt some lack/attack when I found that I wasn't invited to an anniversary dinner of my group at work, arranged by my coworkers (I couldnt go anyway, but still), and some helpless and black and white thinking when I felt like I will be stuck in a position at work that doesn't challenge me (frustrating me further).  Since I was at work, though, and I only had my chili and my apple with me, I didnt have to worry much about stress eating...especially since I never let myself go into the cafeteria or get anything from the vending machine.  So its all good.  Im grateful that I am on this diet, and it is forcing me to deal with my issues without turning to food. 

R2P2D6-VLCD D4

Highest R2P2 Loading Weight 165.3 (4/18/10)
Daily Loss 1.3lbs
Current Weight 158.5
Food Tracker: P2 chili, melba toasts, apple, orange, romaine with chicken
Exercise: 2 mile walk

Today is my injection skip day, not because I planned it this way, but because I had to go to the office this morning, and forgot to give myself the shot before I left.  I already have five days of dosing, so it should be fine. 

Not much to say today...I really enjoyed Glee last night, and I enjoyed hanging out with my boys while hubby worked late.  Tonight the plan is to go to the gym after work for a light workout, head over to the pond to throw rocks with my biggest after that if there is no rain, and then enjoy a nice bath before bedtime.  The rest of the week is packed with events, so it will be nice to relax tonight.  And maybe spend some time with my hubby, since I don't think hockey is on tonight!

4 Day Win #3 Day 3: PHDR
Yesterday I felt good, like I was pretty and working hard to get myself to a good place.  I was scared that my working out was going to cause a gain, and thus I only walked a little bit, well, 50 minutes worth, but at a very slow pace.  It was so gorgeous out I couldn't help myself.  I had a little of the lack/attack feelings in that I really wanted to eat some foods I shouldn't, but when I scooped out the chocolate/thin mint ice cream mix that I bought for loading for my son, I had no desire for it....which was GREAT!  I did, however, really want to eat the brussel sprouts that I made for my hubby.  I never imagined before this journey that the cravings I would have would be for vegetables, especially brussel sprouts, which I didn't even start to eat until R1 (cheat in P2, little bite, then every day in P3).  I am grateful that my body is learning to recognize what it needs and that I am able to listen without being clouded up with chemicals and foods that make me feel awful.

What are you learning about your body now that you are listening to it?

R2P2D5-VLCD D3

Highest R2P2 Loading Weight 165.3 (4/18/10)
Daily Loss 2lbs
Current Weight 159.8
Food Tracker: P2 chili, melba toasts, apple, orange, romaine with chicken
Exercise: 2.5 mile walk, 1000m swim

So the swim and my walk didn't seem to hurt my loss too much yesterday, though I was hoping to get under LIW R1 today...that will happen tomorrow, I suppose.  I have lost all of my loading weight as of this morning, been enjoying my chili for lunch and chicken salad for dinner the past two days, and seem to do ok this round with Braggs Aminos and Oranges.  All good things.  I psychologically am craving food, though.  I know I'm not hungry, but I want to have brussel sprouts and red peppers and big mixed veggie salads and olive oil, and the list goes on and on.  I am really enjoying the food I am eating, but my mind is just tormenting me with all the things I can't have.  Is there a vitamin to help with that?  My dictator and wild child are up in arms right now.

And to top it off, I just went to the bathroom and was greeted by a present in the toliet and smeared on top of the seat by my oldest...I went to yell at him, but he was next door talking to my 85yr old neighbor.  I am disgusted and touched by my son at the same time...ugh! 

For Day 2 of the PHDR four day win, today I felt like I didn't have enough food (lack and attack), that I will always be on a stupid diet (illusion of fixed states), and Im helpless to lose weight on my own (learned helplessness, black and white thinking).  Questioning that, I know I have enough food, as Im not hungry, and its in my head, I will not always be on a diet, just til I get till goal, and after that I am committed to have a healthy and full of whatever food I want in moderation life, and I know that anything I commit to I can achieve.  So If I want to lose weight, I can.  And refocusing, I am so glad that I have this opportunity to feel good about myself, achieve my goals, and change my life and those of my family. I am so glad that I can delve into my neuroses about food and my body, challenge them, and be wiser, saner, and happier for it. 

So anyway, looks like Glee is on schedule for tonight-yay!

R2P2D4-VLCD2-3rd 4 Day Win

R1P4 D22 Weight: 160.3
Highest R2P2 Loading Weight 165.3 (4/18/10)
Daily Loss 3.5lbs
Current Weight 161.8
Food Tracker
Exercise: Sat 3 mile walk, 17min/ml pace; Sunday-Nada

Boy did I load when I was away this weekend.  Lots of wine, pizza, more wine, ice cream, big chicken sandwiches with lots of mayo, chips, queso, hershey's kisses with almonds...I did not weigh myself Saturday, and it was 1pm on Sunday before I got to a scale, so I was not shocked that is was a whooping 5 lbs up from Friday's weigh in (which was .9 above my LIW of R1).  I am a little disappointed, however, that I am only down 3.5lbs from yesterday, because I weighed myself after consuming a lot of water in the morning, and I figured the weight was mildly inflated because of that.  But no...so on my D4, I am still 2.4 above my LIW from R1.  And I was stretching getting to goal before my loading weight...I havent heard of anyone losing 30lbs in R2 that is doing injections...I am not going to let that stop me, though!  And my girls weekend rocked...it was too short, actually.  We had so much fun, and it was greatly needed after the last few weeks.

Don't feel at all different on the HCG this time around.  I was mildly hungry throughout the day yesterday, but nothing too bad, and the food was good.  I made my P2 chili for lunch and had a chicken salad for dinner, apple and orange for my fruits, and my melba toasts.  I was hoping to eat a coco pop, as it only has 15 calories, but it has rice and corn in it (whereas the melba toasts are only wheat), so Im not sure what will happen if I eat them.  Im going to give them a try once I get about a week of VLCD under my belt.

Lots of stuff going on this week, my Reiki 2 class is this weekend, I have a Reiki share on Thurs, Masters Swim and Tri Class tonight, tons of work for my 9-5 job, and I have to get my coach bio written by Wed (Ill be coaching new nutrition students at my alma mater once a month starting in a few weeks).  And of course, daily walks (weight loss allowing), and yoga at least once this week.

What are your big plans for the week?

And who is going to join my for our next 4 day win?

Its called Beware the Permanently Helpless Dalmation Reptile (PHDR).  Key words here are permanent (the illusion of fixed states), Helpless (learned helplessness), dalmation (black and white thinking), and reptile (your brains lack and attack fears).  If you need to learn more about that, I really suggest you get this book...bu these fill in the blank statements might help as well to identify these issues for you (mine are in blue):

1) I need to worry about losing my job and having to work in an office 5 days a week
2) I get stuck because I cant get over my need to control things, situations, and people
3) I have to take care of my family, clean the house, clean my office, make things perfect, declutter, lose weight
4) Ive never had enough money, friends, love, acceptance
5) It would be a disaster if I lost my family in an accident, redid the bathroom and used all our savings and then lost my job in this economy
6) I cant ever let myself lose control, stop being on
7) I cant tolerate people who drive like an a**hole, dont have a brain in their head
8) Its always wrong to be selfish (though I do it all the time), steal
9) I mustnt stray from the diet I am on, let myself off the hook, let someone else control the situation and make all the decisions (though I so wish I could)
10) I shouldnt ever stop
11) I always cut the veggies, go grocery shopping, clean up after others, am expected to do everything
12) I am fat, getting fit, a good mother, thinking of others, doing my best

Dont worry about right or wrong when doing this, and dont overthink it.  Just put whatever comes to mind...most times when you look at your statements, you will find that they are not true, or you are exaggerating, or have fatalistic thinking, but thats ok.  Thats why we are doing this.

Ridiculously Easy Goal: Each day for the next 4 days, Ill search my own thoughts for PHDR storylines, question these thoughts, and re-focus on gratitude or appreciation.

Small Daily Reward
Monday: Hot bath before bed
Tuesday: Glee!!!!!
Wednesday: Ill wear my new earrings to the office
Thursday: Reiki Share

Slightly Larger 4 day reward: Keeping my coach bag that I got at the outlet this weekend (on the fence right now, since I dont carry purses, we still carry a diaper bag for my littlest, and it was expensive!...but I do LOVE it).

R2P2D1-Loading

Current Weight 160.3
Daily Gain .9 -prior to loading :(

Not feeling well today, so it wasn't as fun loading as I hoped...at a burger and lots of fries, ice cream (about 1 cup and a half), half a cookie, 6 inch cheesesteak sandwich, a handful of granola, and 8oz diet mountain dew (1st time Ive drank that in about 3 months!...need to keep myself awake for the the next 4 hours). Im leaving in 1/2 hour for my girls weekend, and Im bloated, have a headache, and really not looking forward to the 2 hr drive.  Despite that and the weather calling for rain and 50 degree temps, I am determined to have a good time! 

I am not bringing my scale, so its going to be the first time since Jan 7th that I havent weighed myself every day.  I am bringing my workout clothes and shoes, though, since I do not plan on giving up on my routine. 

Hope you guys have a great weekend!  Ill check back in on Monday...

ps-mixed and took my shot like a pro this morning...

R2P2 Pre-Measurements and Pics

R2P2 Starts Tomorrow!

Current and LIW 159.4
Food Tracker
Exercise: 2hrs walking 18min/ml pace

Only 1230 calories yesterday, but no loss today.  Maybe too much sodium?  Maybe too much walking?

Last night I was upset when I got home from work.  Not because of anything that happened at work, it was a usual day.  Hubby was off yesterday, and I encouraged him to go play golf or do something fun and relaxing, and when I got home I realized he spent the whole day doing things around the house...and you think, great, thats awesome, Im so glad...but for some reason, I got pissed off.  Because he didn't do the things that I wanted him to do.  Things that I am assigned in my own head to do.  So I wouldnt have to do them.  Things like cutting up the vegetables or even putting them in the frig.  Filing all those papers that have taken residence on the chair in front of the computer.  Vaccuming the floor.  Silly things.  Instead, he mowed the lawn, which I didn't think needed mowing.  And he put away the laundry.  Oh, the horror!

And then he said he wasn't going to Budokon..which he goes to every Wednesday, for which he makes me pick up our littlest from school so he can go straight to the gym after work.  How dare he upset the schedule like that?  I know, I was being SO ridiculous. 

So then I thought, cool, maybe we could go out for a family meal since we are all at home at the same time, and I'm leaving Friday night and won't be around for the weekend.  But he brushed off my suggestion.  And then I thought, ok, maybe the whole family could walk over to the littlest's daycare and pick him up.  But hubby was in single focus mode, and wanted nothing to do with it.  So then I thought, ok, maybe Ill take my biggest for a walk in the single jogging stroller, since I have been loving our time together like that lately...and he blew me off too.  And then I wanted to eat, lots of junk, really fast. 

So I left.  I went for a walk by myself.  And I walked, and kept walking, and then decided, it was so beautiful out, and everything looked so pretty, to keep walking.  And I thought out how I was being selfish, and my husband is amazing and helpful, and deserves to live his life the way he likes.  And that I can't control everything, no matter how much I want to.  And then I started taking pictures...which once I figure out how to post my iphone photos on my blog, I will post....and that was fun.  I thought about publishing a book of pictures from town that I take when I am on my walks...I like to dream like that.  And I didnt want to eat for the sake of eating anymore.  And I felt calm again.

By the time I got home, two hours had passed, and I was ready for craving familial interaction.  But biggest was in my room watching TV, littlest just went to bed, and hubby was washing dishes and watching hockey on TV (which I dont like to watch).   So much for interaction.  So outside I went to stretch and lay on the hammock.  And after a few minutes, I came inside, watched a little tv myself, and proceeded to fall asleep before 9pm.  I guess I needed that...though for some reason, I am still tired after sleeping 10 hours!

I feel better today.  Funny, though, that while typing this, I got all worked up again.  But unlike yesterday, when it made me want to eat, it makes me want to cry right now...sorry for the getting the computer all wet. 
Maybe Im ovulating...either way, I need to apologize to my hubby.  And to myself, for all of these years of abuse with food and negative thinking, for making myself think that I need to control others so I can feel in control, for not loving myself with words, thoughts, and action every day. 

Kelly, its ok to feel out of control, to feel positive and negative emotions without having to turn to food or run away.  Its ok, you deserve to feel and look good, you deserve to have a husband who loves and supports you, kids that adore and drive you crazy :), you are good enough.  They will love you no matter what crazy you throw at them...and they will do it in their own way.  I love you, the wild child and the dictator love you, and we are proud of you and your accomplishments. 

Sorry for that emotional crap...I just needed to get it out.  Definitely feeling weapy today.  Tomorrow starts R2 of this HCG experiment.  I'm nervous and excited.  I am going to mix my batch today, then freeze two syringes for my girls weekend.  I'm ready to pig out.  French fries, chocolate shakes, the works...despite the fact that I really don't want to gain anything from loading because that will make getting to 130 this round difficult!  And then back to 500 calories a day on Sunday.  And a new four day win.

Four Day Win #2 Update: Day 4
What I ate: Whipped cream and strawberries
What I believed: I want to eat something yummy even though Im not feeling that hungry.  I need some fat to satiate me.  I still have calories left for my day.
Why it might not be so:  Just because the calories are there doesn't mean I need to eat them.  You are trying to eat only when you are hungry.  If you wanted some comfort, which is the truth that you didn't write above, you could have a nice cup of tea instead of rewarding yourself with food.

Any emotional BS you need to get out?...share it here!

R1P4D21

Current and LIW 159.4
Food Tracker
Exercise: 1 hr walking 17/mil pace pushing 40lb son and jogging stroller

Right on the money with my calories in matching my BMR yesterday, and look at that, no loss or gain today.  Very interesting...

On another note, if any of you are in Bucks County, would you be interested in finding out more about a Local Foods Co-op that we are trying to create in Doylestown?  If so, please comment and Ill send you details about our Community Information Meetings.   They are being held May 2nd from 2-4pm, and May 27th from 8-10pm.  It will be so great to have a local market open all yr round where we, the community, are the owners, and have a say about what is carried, market hours, vendors, and more....bringing work to our neighborhood and money to local farmers.  It is so important to BUY LOCAL!, if you have that option, of course.

4 Day Win Update: Day 3

What I ate: Sausage and 2 cookies

What I believed: 1) The cookies have been on the counter for a week, they cant taste good, let me just try a bite.  Wow, I was wrong, they do taste good.  Ill just have one (this is while cooking dinner), it cant hurt.  Oh, well, its there, Ill have the other one since the previous one was so good.
2) Im not eating that much sausage.  I only had one link.

Why it might not be so:
1)It wont hurt you, yeah right.  Just think what kind of effect the sugar have on you after you eat the cookie.  Will it cause further sugar cravings, exacerbate your candida. give you a headache? 
2) You had three pieces of sausage, remember?  When you were cooking and then in the house.  And you were so close to being under your calories for the day...and you were not even still hungry...you just liked the taste of it, and the feeling of it in your mouth. 

I am really liking the results of this 4 day win: it is wild to really analyze/see how I talk myself into things, make excuses for myself to eat things, or plum forget what I ate (that is why the food tracking is so crucial for me at this point).  I know it is ok for me to eat whatever I want to, I do not need to justify it....if I continually do that, I will continue to think like an overweight person, feel guilty about food, reward myself with food, and I wont be able to make this stick.  I am doing this because I WANT to make good choices, feel great about what I eat (no guilt), and also let the food I eat make me feel great (food=fuel, nutrition, nourishment).  It just takes a little (lot) of time for me to get it to sink in.

How about you?  Do you know what you need to do and want to do it, but continue to do something else despite that?

R1P4D20

LIW and Current Weight 159.4
Daily Loss.9
Food Tracker
Exercise: 50 min swimming (1650m)

So yesterday I was under my BMR again, and I lost so Im back down to my LIW...in fact, if this keeps up, who needs HCG?  Actually, I am really looking forward to starting R2 this weekend, and I really hope that I am able to keep my current level of exercise in place without stalling loss during my next round. 

The suprising thing for yesterday was that I ate a very big lunch (800 cleaning eating calories worth), and I wasn't really hungry for much at dinner, or afterwards.  That was cool...so Im going to try it again today.   It is really cool to see what works for my body and what doesn't.  Whats going to be really interesting is to see how P4 in R2 compares to this one, since I have heard that everyone has different experiences, cravings, food tolerances, etc in each round. 

4 Day Win #2 Update

What I ate:  Bear Naked Chocolate Granola, yesterday, lunch
What I believe: I'm a little hungry, and it doesn't hurt to have three servings of it in one sitting, especially since its right there, and its only 130 calories per 1/4 cup.  It only has good ingredients.
Why it might not be so:  Though the sodium is low, fat is only 4 grams, it has LOTs of sugar and my body doesn't do good with that much sugar (candida, anyone).  It is ok to eat in moderation, but there is no need to gorge on it, especially when there are plenty of good options in the frig.  And you are not evening craving chocolate right now...

Isn't it funny that I am writing about this experience from yesterday's lunch, and here I am eating the granola with abandon as I type this...  Kelly, step back from the bag...it doesnt matter that the bag is almost empty and there aren't more than 2 servings left...get it out of your office...go on, now...

What are you eating with abandon these days?